A Likely Tale, Lad Read online

  A LIKELY TALE, LAD

  First published in 2014 by Dalesman

  an imprint of

  Country Publications Ltd

  The Water Mill, Broughton Hall

  Skipton, North Yorkshire BD23 3AG

  www.dalesman.co.uk

  Text © Mike Pannett & Alan Wilkinson 2014

  eBook ISBN 978-1-85568-338-9

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored on a retrieval system or transmitted in any form, or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without either prior permission in writing from the publisher or a licence permitting restricted copying. In the United Kingdom such licences are issued by the Copyright Licensing Agency, 90 Tottenham Court Road, London, W1P 9HE. The right of Mike Pannett & Alan Wilkinson to be identified as authors of this work has been asserted in accordance with Copyright, Designs and Patents Acts 1988.

  Cover design, illustration and titling typeface ‘Clumsy Baskerville’ by Lyn Davies Design.

  CONTENTS

  Beside the Sea

  Tickling Trout

  Can I Drive a Bulldozer When I Grow Up?

  Bows and Arrows

  A Star is Born

  Butter Wouldn’t Melt

  Gunpowder, Treason & Plot

  Blood Brothers

  Just Hanging About

  A Moving Experience

  It’s Dark in Here

  I’m Freezing

  Honk

  Grandpa

  Girls

  Animal Farm

  Staying Warm

  The Mysterious Hut

  Friday Tea

  Gone Fishing

  In the Bleak Midwinter

  Girl Guide for a Week

  AUTHOR’S NOTE

  This is a story about my childhood. It’s not quite the story of my childhood. I’ve allowed myself to take one or two liberties with dates and timing and even one or two locations, missing out a few dull bits, cramming all the good stuff into a few special years either side of our move into the countryside. But I’ve tried to be paint a faithful portrait of my family, and my close friends. Should an eagle-eyed reader spot an error or two in the chronology, or the geography, I’d say, ‘Just take a look at the title of this book.’ Because the clue’s right there: this is a likely tale, lad.

  To my late dad Jeff

  (he would be proud) and my my mother Shirley,

  for putting up with me for all these years.

  My brother Phil, and my sisters Christine (a big help

  in remembering things) and Gillian.

  I love them all.

  Beside the Sea

  ‘Right, inside with you.’

  Mum had packed the sandwiches into the back, followed by the brown paper packages. One, two, three, four. They were, we well knew, our Easter eggs.

  Dad, of course, had his head under the bonnet. He’d already conducted a final inspection of the car the previous day: water, oil, light bulbs, tyre pressures, checked with his special pressure gauge, and my big brother Phil and I had been given the task of washing it.

  Now we were ready to depart.

  I was standing on the drive with one foot inside the Morris Traveller, registration number TDN 6. I had my green Thunderbird 2 in my left hand, a bag of marbles in my right, and Petra’s leash between my teeth. I was scanning the mound of luggage that was strapped to the roof-rack: three or four suitcases, several cardboard boxes, a wicker hamper and … ah! There it was, protruding from one end of the tightly rolled, striped canvas windbreak: my fishing rod.

  Satisfied that my most precious possession was safely on board, I lowered my head and looked into the car. Phil was hunched up by the far window, eyes closed, his transistor radio glued to his ear. My big sister Christine had bagged the near-side seat, with her Tiny Tears doll on her knee, her head buried in a copy of Jackie. The space in between – the space I was supposed to squeeze into – was occupied by my baby sister, Gillian, more or less buried under her huge rag doll, Jemima. Behind the three of them, the rear windows were obscured by a jumble of boxes, blankets, towels, buckets, spades and a plastic football.

  Mum gave the rear doors a final shove to get them to close.

  ‘Come on, Michael, get a move on. Your Dad’s almost ready.’

  ‘There’s no room, Mum,’ I muttered, my tongue rasping against the braided leather leash. It had a nasty salty taste. I threw up my hands in a gesture of exasperation, at which Thunderbird 4 fell out of the back ramp of Thunderbird 2. ‘Oh Mum, now look what you’ve done.’

  ‘Never mind, Michael, you can pick it up.’ Mum bent down and peered inside the car. ‘Girls, squeeze up. Both of you.’ They each leaned to one side, grudgingly, opening up a gap about nine inches wide. ‘That’s better. There you are, Michael – in the back with you.’

  ‘Mum! Mu-um!’ Gillian wailed as I swept her dolls into the foot-well, then turned and plonked myself down, half on her lap, half off it. ‘He’s sitting on my leg. He’s squa-ashing me! And Jemima.’

  Mum sighed. ‘Well, do as I say and move over. Then he won’t have to, will he?’

  I squirmed my way into the narrow space between the two girls, digging my elbow into Christine’s ribs. Petra jumped onto her lap. My big sister wrinkled up her nose and shoved the dog across onto me. ‘She needs a bath.’ She rubbed her hands on my shirt. ‘And she’s all … yuk. All greasy.’

  ‘That’s natural, that grease,’ I said. I put my arms around the dog. ‘All dogs have it. I saw it on Blue Peter. It makes ’em waterproof. Doesn’t it, Petra?’

  I wriggled some more, trying to get comfortable. I didn’t mention that I’d been so worried about Petra’s natural oils getting washed off when I took her down to the beck that I’d nicked some of Phil’s Brylcreem and rubbed it into her coat.

  ‘Ow!’ Now Christine was kicking off. ‘Mum, Mum, can’t you do something! He’s pinching me.’

  ‘Well, move over – like Mum said!’ I shouted, giving her a shove. Christine had her arm raised and was all set to smack me in the face.

  ‘Now, what did I tell you about fighting?’ Mum eased herself into her seat and closed the door, addressing us via the rear-view mirror. ‘I don’t want another peep out of either of you or – or there’ll be no fish and chips tonight. You hear me?’

  Silence, just the sound of Dad closing the bonnet and putting away his oil can before locking the garage door.

  ‘Well, are you going to answer me?’

  ‘But you said you didn’t want another peep …’ I began.

  Dad was in the driving seat, wiping his hands on an old wash-leather. ‘This is not the time for cleverness, Michael. You know very well what your mother means. Now, why don’t we all take a deep breath and put a smile on our faces, eh?’

  With that he pulled out the choke and fired up the engine, put his arm around the back of the passenger seat and started to reverse through the gate. ‘Starboard look-out?’ he said. My big brother opened his eyes, blinked and looked along the street. ‘Yeah. Fine, Dad. Nobody about.’

  Dad backed us out onto Park Avenue, put her in first gear and set off towards the end of the road. I leaned across the girls and peered through the open window to watch, fascinated, as the orange plastic indicator flipped up in readiness for the left turn onto the main road. At last. We were off. On our holidays.

  Throughout my childhood, holidays meant one thing and one thing only: the long drive over the North York Moors to the coast at Staintondale. When I say it was a long drive you have to understand that Dad rarely did things the easy way. You only had to mention the A64, the main route which connects the east coast with Malton, York and the West Riding, and he’d shake his head.

  ‘Dreadful roa
d,’ he’d say. ‘Absolute death-trap. And traffic? D’you know, I once set off from York on a Sunday morning and there was a queue two miles long. They were backed up all the way from Malton to Huttons Ambo. No, I think we’ll go the scenic way.’

  And so we did. Instead of nipping up the A64 main road, then over to Pickering and across the moors, we took the back-roads. What would be a brisk fifty-mile run to the coast for any normal family became an epic, a feat of endurance, the stuff of Pannett legends. A journey that would take me one hour today took us anything up to five. It was meticulously planned, of course. The night before our departure, Dad would sit at the living room table, a freshly sharpened pencil in one hand, a notebook in the other, studying his dog-eared Ordnance Survey maps – the old ones, I mean, the kind that were printed on canvas. Mile by mile he’d go over the route we’d used last year, and the year before that, even taking out his ruler and protractor to measure round the bends to see whether he could find a quieter way to the coast, and maybe shave a few hundred yards or so off the distance to be covered, thereby reducing his outlay on petrol.

  The results of his research meant that we always ended up bouncing down some dusty farm track or winding our way along near-deserted lanes that snaked between fields of wheat and barley. From time to time we’d have the excitement of a cattle-grid, and if we were behaving ourselves Dad would rattle across at speed and make us all giggle – even though he said it was bad for the suspension. Good for morale, but bad for the springs.

  Every so often, we’d meet an oncoming vehicle and Dad, being a courteous knight of the road, would put the brakes on, sling the old Morris into reverse and back up two, three, four hundred yards to let some flat-hatted farmer go past in a mud-spattered Land Rover, showering us with dust and chippings, acknowledging our good manners with a barely perceptible nod of the head or a stubby index finger raised languidly from the steering-wheel. And as he backed up, Mum would nod and smile.

  ‘Well done, Jeff dear. Did you see, children, how well your father reversed the car there?’

  We made our way across country to Sheriff Hutton, and there we faced our first challenge. Terrington Bank. Could we get up it in one run without having to bail out? ‘You need a good run, a bit of momentum,’ Dad said as he put his foot down, gripped the wheel and gritted his teeth.

  By now, barely a quarter of the way to our destination, somebody would be pleading for a toilet break, and everybody else would agree that that was a good idea because they were bursting too. But it would have to wait until we’d tackled a much stiffer climb on the approach to Nunnington – and listened for the umpteenth time to Mum and Dad’s running commentary about the war and the munitions dump that used to be hidden in the woods just a couple of miles from where we were, on the outskirts of Hovingham.

  ‘Right, time to lighten the load, everybody. Chance to stretch those legs, get some fresh air in your lungs.’

  And as he brought the car to a halt, out we got, all of us – even Mum – and walked up the incline, while he drove to the top. There he lifted the bonnet to help the engine cool, lit a cigarette, and strolled out to admire the scenery until we re-joined him, puffing and panting.

  As soon as we’d caught up with him it was back inside for the short run down to Nunnington, our first designated stop. Here we’d all pile out and hurry across the pasture to where the trees lined the river-bank. Boys to one side, girls to the other, after which we all realised we were hungry, and thirsty, and started badgering Mum for a snack – those of us who weren’t down at the water’s edge, that is.

  ‘Michael, who told you to get your fishing rod out? You’ll have plenty of time for that when we get to Staintondale, d’you hear?’

  ‘But, Mum… this is the River Rye. There’s eight-pound trout in here.’

  ‘Says who?’ Philip was standing there, grinning at me. ‘Go on, who told you that?’

  ‘Grandpa. Grandpa told me there was.’

  ‘Were,’ said Dad. ‘Grandpa told you that there were.’

  ‘Never mind his grammar,’ Mum said. ‘Tell him to stow that rod before he puts our Gillian’s eye out.’

  After a drink of Tizer and a banana sandwich, after we’d persuaded Petra to come out of the river and all had a good shriek as she shook herself dry and soaked our legs in the process, we piled back in the old Traveller, opened the windows to get rid of the smell of wet dog, and made our way across towards the A170, past the remains of Wombleton Airfield, where Mum would tell us, yet again, about the old airbase.

  ‘Those bombs they hid in Hovingham woods, this is where they brought them. For the Halifax bombers.’ Then she’d go quiet. ‘Very brave young men,’ she’d say, and Dad would nod his head before patting the steering wheel. ‘Running nice and smoothly,’ he’d say, ‘if that’s not tempting fate.’

  I don’t know how long Dad had had the Morris Traveller. It seemed as though it had always been with us. It never occurred to me that there might have been a time when he wasn’t taking the engine to bits in the garage on a weekend, and somehow managing to put it back together in time for our three-times-a-year trip to Staintondale, or the occasional run into town to watch York City play. That pale green car with its lovingly varnished woodwork, its creaky leather seats, its orange plastic trafficators and picture-book headlights, seemed like a part of the furniture, a revered and respected elder of the family. I couldn’t remember a time when it wasn’t there, like a faithful old servant, waiting to take us away. But, like any servant, it needed looking after, and Dad was determined it would ‘see us out’, as he put it. I used to worry that he meant it had to last us till we died, which I guessed would be in about a hundred years’ time at the very least, but I eventually realised what he meant: that it had to keep going until we were old enough to provide for our own transport, by which time he might be able to afford a replacement. The point is, he nursed that car, and that’s why we had to get out and walk the steep hills.

  We didn’t complain. Perhaps we were grateful that we hadn’t come by way of Rosedale, as we did some years, and had to walk up the Chimney Bank with its 1-in-3 gradient. For that one we marched single file with as much luggage as we could carry and held our breath as the car lurched on in second gear, then first, before giving a thankful gasp as it finally made it to the top with us barely fifty yards behind it. But what a view when we got there – out towards the coast in one direction, the Pennines the other way, and the outline of Birdsall Brow with its top-knot of trees, fifteen or twenty miles to the south.

  We drove on, towards the next major landmark. The A170 runs to the coast from Thirsk. It always loomed large in my mind as a vital staging-post, long before I knew anything about road numbers, well before I had any sense of the geography of North Yorkshire. That road always had a sort of mythic status for me, thanks to the way Dad spoke of it.

  ‘Once we make it to the A170,’ he would say, as if we were traversing the Sahara en route to the equator, ‘once we’ve got that behind us we can all relax. Cross the A170 and we can all get in a proper holiday mood.’

  He was thinking of our picnic lunch on the moors, when we’d pull off the road onto a stretch of close-cropped grass and devour a great pile of meat-paste sandwiches while he took out his Primus stove and brewed up the tea. After that he and Mum would doze on a blanket for half an hour while we kids – and the dog, of course – explored the patch of country around us and paddled in one of the moorland streams. Sometimes we’d play cowboys and Indians, sometimes cops and robbers. That was Petra’s favourite. At home we’d already trained her to chase cars and bikes down the road, and now I’d taught her to play dead. ‘Bang! Bang!’ I’d shout and down she’d go, flat to the ground, head on her paws as she waited for the signal to get up.

  Back in the driver’s seat, Dad checked the fuel gauge and made a note in his little book. He kept meticulous records of distances covered and fuel consumed. ‘Burns a lot of petrol, a hill like that,’ he said. And we knew that as soon as he came to a d
ecent downhill stretch he’d cut the engine, slip the clutch and let it roll, grinning as he did so. ‘Of course, strictly speaking it’s against the law,’ he’d say, ‘but this’ll pay us back for all that climbing.’ He was very Yorkshire, our Dad. Waste not, want not.

  ‘Look at that, thirty-five miles an hour – forty! – and it’s not costing us a penny.’ Dad was all but crowing. Mum gripped the edge of her seat, closed her eyes and said nothing.

  Once we were properly out in the country it seemed that half the roads we drove along were bordered with wide verges. Some even had a lush green strip growing down the middle where the surface had cracked. So when we came across the inevitable flock of sheep there was nothing for it but to wait patiently while they nibbled the grass and the ubiquitous black-and-white border collie tried to round them up, snapping at our tyres if we dared get within fifty yards of his charges. Meanwhile, of course, Petra was snarling and scrabbling at the windows, darting from one side of the car to the other, even diving into the front seat to hurl herself at the windscreen.

  ‘Dad, Dad,’ I pleaded, ‘can’t we let Petra out? Ple-ease say we can.’

  I had visions of the flock parting like the Red Sea, the sheepdog scuttling home with its tail between its legs, and Petra leading us triumphantly onwards, to the coast, with her reward between her jaws – a big juicy marrow-bone.

  ‘Ple-ease, Dad. You always said a dog should earn its keep …’

  Dad laughed and shoved the manic Petra over his shoulder and into the back seat. ‘I did, didn’t I? And I’m sure she’ll fetch us a rabbit or two once we get to the farm. Hello – looks like they’re going into that field there.’ And with that he fired the car up once more and on we went, at a nice steady twenty-five miles an hour as Dad calculated how many more miles it was to the farm and when we might arrive.

  ‘There they are.’ Dad would be pointing towards the horizon and the three enormous white ‘golf balls’, the early-warning system at RAF Fylingdales. ‘They do a fine job, those things. Keep this country safe, let me tell you.’